The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
