i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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