I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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