No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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