I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
