there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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