Pappa wants mamma naked
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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