a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
