I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
