Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
