I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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