when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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