2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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