The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why are your pants in the freezer?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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