I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
