I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
