Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
