Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dignity is for republicans.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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