I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
