best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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