you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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