I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
