My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
