Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
