you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
