What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
