Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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