i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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