you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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