When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
