you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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