i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
