break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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