My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
