How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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