I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
