every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
