i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
