I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
