bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
