Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
