my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
