Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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