you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
