Swine flu is the new snow day.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
