I think I died a long time ago.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Randomize
