ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I am naked and annoyed.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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