Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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