Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
