I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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